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I still look.

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I still look to see if you have called.

All these days. This very long blur of a year. Hopping from one holiday to the next. Trying not to miss you. Trying to get pass the ‘first of’… as if the rest of life will now be easier.  This year.

Miss You.
Miss You.

It has been full of stillness. pain. peace. understanding. fear. anger. emptiness. joy. new beginnings and paths I never wanted to be on. Strength I never wanted to have.

But here I am.

Here I still look for you.

My tears look different. Clear.

I understand you will not be coming back and I hurt to see you again.

I am not the person you left behind. I know that is how it is to be.

This person. Changed at my core.

I remember your smile. your laugh. your love.

I remember your joy. You Mom. I remember you.

I dream of a moment in my day where I feel your heart beat next to mine.

A mother’s heart.

A mother’s love.

I dream of these things. Knowing that it will never be again. Knowing I was blessed to be loved as your daughter.

I still look for you.

This year.

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I’ve run to this day in cement.

Climbed to the top with ropes tied to the bottom.

Smiled with paralyzed muscles.

I’ve unlocked doors that had no keyholes.

Stood in rooms that bleed sadness from the walls.

Still. Numb. Waiting. I stand waiting for what comes next…

The moments of the year will end soon.

My hope is that I will be Still. Not Numb. Pass waiting.

The child in me is still wanting her mom to call, to visit, to hug.

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Miss you Mama.

The  adult rejoices in the peace your body and soul must have in heaven my sweet angel.

Gifts from Mom.

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ImageI will not say this day looks the way I want it to.

I can not smile and pretend there is no hole I stand in.

But I can. Because of you. Smile as you taught me to.

.My heart gets sad and you send a new butterfly to me.

Not once. Not twice. But continuously.

Sharing a mother’s love that grows with time. Teaching me how to raise mine.

How to love as they go on their way. How to love when you want them to stay.

I did as you told me to. I loved him through and through. Now I have not one. but two.

She is just as gentle and kind-hearted just like you.

.How do you make the gifts come from so far away.

I miss you.

Kisses from above.

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I woke up and realized both were gone.

not just Dad but both that knew me from day one.

He left, just past my sweet 16. he was gone, with such a mental mess for me to carry on.

but with her even the emptiness is warm.

I thought maybe today. today I would move into the understanding part of Why my mom is gone.

Voices in my head telling me: Just move forward. Just move forward.

Nothing here to be explained.

She left no pain. no anger. no fear. She left you strength and joy and family near.

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When I grow up I hope I’m just as tough as you.

“She shares kisses from above and visits on yellow butterfly wings.”

.There she was.

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I ran today on a road that I did not know my way.

Shattering thoughts of emptiness and fear hit me the second I remembered you are not here.

Moments happening all around. Mothers and daughters giggle together in town.

I miss you.

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.There she was.

Strong yellow wings. Powerful movements led me back to a path I knew.

Don’t go…don’t leave just because I can.

I don’t want to see another day without you calling me on my way.

Asking questions that are not yours to know.

Buggin’ me in that way; you know.

.There she was.

Strong yellow wings. Powerful movements led me back to a path I knew.

Summer without Mom.

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What will my summer be without you here to see…

…Who will stop in to bug me?

How do I not call or text to your phone that now does not ring?

…fear.

Too many new first that I don’t want to do because I’ve lost you.

…sorrow.

I get up each day and hope that the pain has gone away…but it is worst. it is sharp. it is present.

…today.

Today I miss you…I feel that tomorrow I will too…so if you wings bring you this way~it would be ok.

…love.

Once again…Peace in the moment…Image

No one is You.

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548691_299283526851590_330950858_nI had a thought that was funny, only to me, and needed to give it only to you~

You would have giggled and then said with your Mom voice, “MELINDA”…

Quiet, I would have set a minute… with a smirk or two…

Knowing that inside…you too thought the humor to be silly and true…

mom and me

No one is you. No one breathes or talks or calls or is just as truly you as you.

…changes the pain that I have, the sadness that I hold, the love that I have lost. No one is you. I hear you in my head~ telling me to move forward instead…

But what if I stop missing you for a second and then forget what I missed; then you would be gone forever…oh, your work was not done! I am not finished! I might run.

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No Ma’am…I will not…You set up a world to be love by others in…You fed me understanding until I found I understood…

You path was not straight but fill with lessons and new found places! Thank you for the family you wrapped me in…before I knew that I was cold…

Much Respect Mom…For knowing what I would need when you were gone……No one is you~this is true…

… but my brother is forever…and family keeps me safe and still… patience for the pain to change…and as crazy as it seems…Aunt T gets my jokes too!

Learning again that love comes in so many different ways…

Me…still here…loving you…and yes ma’am…doing the next right thing…